Puddle

Yall... we made it out the brain bank with this one. I got re-inspired to write this so here it is :) So I've always known that I've lived a lonely existence, I've never had many friends and even when I do I've felt like they haven't been very deep or lasting connections. I thought of writing this post because with the travel group, we had like an introductory video call where we got to know each other. We were asking questions to one another and one of the owners of the group asked "How is the Muslim community there?" and I actually had no answer. I wouldn't have an answer for any place that I've lived. I've never really had a connection to any Muslim community I've been around.  That got me thinking about how much of my life has been in isolation, away from a real community of people.  Growing up we didn't go to the mosque too frequently nor consistently — understandably so because growing up with a single mother n stuff. And with my ...

I was reading this book "The Message" by Ta-Nehisi Coates and I was surprised to find that I related to a lot of things he was saying about himself. Both in his past and things that I want to do that he has done. I was thinking that he is me but in another universe. In the second chapter he was saying how in school he would do great on tests, but his behavior didnt match. He was always asking 'why' and thought outside the box. And I agree with him that secular learning taught in schools only prepare one to be an obedient worker in the context of capitalism. But I am the prime example of this. I've always been the 'good one' in class, quiet and obedient. Never asking questions let alone asking 'why?'. I admire how he always wants to know the reason behind things, thought in ways unexpected of him, and questioned the things he was told. It's a type of intelligence that I aim to achieve. That critical thinking instead of blind obedience.  But that...

  2 posts in 24hrs ??? who is this ??? Some books I've been really into: 1) Invisible Man- I read this book a couple months ago and I still think about it almost daily. I read the first chapter in one of my first yrs of college and I've always wanted to read the full thing but I felt like I wasn't competent enough to fully grasp it. It was a fairly hard read because it was just so jam-packed with metaphors and symbolism but it was worth it brain power. I couldn't wait to finish the book just so that I could do research on it that unpacks all the symbolism I might have missed. And I loved the development of the characters like how the author represents the different mentalities of black people during that time from Dr. Bledsoe's "White is Right" to the veteran's more "woke" approach. . It's just such a great book. Definite 10/10 I can't wait to read it again. 2) Things Fall Apart- Another book that got me thinking about it months after...

It doesn't feel like it's been this long bc I wrote a blog post but it felt way too messy to post and I can't post it now bc I've gone past that lesson and I don't feel the same anymore. So on to a new topic. Sooo, lately I have been feeling so much love in my heart. The type of love I don't think I've felt before. It's just so full and satisfying. We (brother, his wife, and I) took a roadtrip to visit my Great Grandmother for my birthday. It was going to be a solo trip but I was able to convince them to go and we met up with my mom as well. I felt guilty at first bc of conflicting plans etc. but Alhumduliillah we all went. It was so nice to catch up with G.Gma bc I love talking with her and for my birthday my mom painted a portrait of me and it contains elements of little things I've told her I liked/was thinking about. It made me cry just how seen I felt. It was a short 2 night stay so we could only do a couple activities and time was tight but I r...

  fortified  adjective   for·​ti·​fied :  made stronger or more secure   I don't know why but the word "fortified" has kept coming up in my mind lately. Whenever I think about my progress in my mental health, that word comes up. I feel fortified. This morning I was just thinking about how many things Allah has aligned for me to feel this way. With finally feeling secure in my living situation and getting help from my therapist, I feel like I finally have the strength and tools to live my life.  Some of the things that attributed to my fortification were: 1-moving: I don't plan on moving from this place anytime soon. The only reason I would is if this house is destroyed or I get married, so I feel so secure and don't feel rushed or that I need to find some other place to live 2-work: I'm not trying to "get through" school or anything, I made it.  Work has made me realize that there is more to life than school and work. I was itching to change my ro...

Hi, I've been thinking a lot about my privilege and how truly grateful I am. I am now in a point in my life to where I'm not struggling or fighting. I can truly rest without worrying about something happening in my life. Last year was rough and the years before weren't too much easier. I often compared myself to a shark, in that I felt like I had to keep on swimming or else I would drown. It took me a while to realize that I can stop swimming, nothing's chasing me and I can breathe. That doesn't mean that I came out unscathed but now there is no present danger.  Being constantly swimming created a vibe of ungratefulness. "Why is this happening to me?" "Is Allah (SWT) hearing my prayers?" But now I have the time to reflect and think. So many of my prayers have been answered, even the ones I forgot I've prayed for, but I kept focusing on what I didn't have. When I first started therapy I was still in this scarcity mind-set. I thought I had ...