On Hardships and Ease

I was reading this book "The Message" by Ta-Nehisi Coates and I was surprised to find that I related to a lot of things he was saying about himself. Both in his past and things that I want to do that he has done. I was thinking that he is me but in another universe. In the second chapter he was saying how in school he would do great on tests, but his behavior didnt match. He was always asking 'why' and thought outside the box. And I agree with him that secular learning taught in schools only prepare one to be an obedient worker in the context of capitalism. But I am the prime example of this. I've always been the 'good one' in class, quiet and obedient. Never asking questions let alone asking 'why?'. I admire how he always wants to know the reason behind things, thought in ways unexpected of him, and questioned the things he was told. It's a type of intelligence that I aim to achieve. That critical thinking instead of blind obedience. 

But that got me thinking of this in the context of my relationship with Islam. Yes, I agree that obedience in this religion is very important, but not asking why may be harmful. I feel like I've just been doing all the necessary ibadat just because I was told to. This makes it hard to have a deeper understanding and relationship with what I am doing and why. Since coming out of swimming and feeling 'more human', I have felt that my imaan has been dropping and of course that has scared me, but I think that is just part of being human. I feel like the usual route is Resistance-> Understanding->Obedience but since I've just went straight to obedience, I've just missed out on the deeper connection.

That asking of why can put so much motivation in your actions. Without that understanding of course I might be more careless: there's less intention behind it. But back to the resistance stage.  With resistance builds connection. I've always wondered about people, for example, that struggle(d) with hijab. For me I did it because it was obligatory and the other women in my family were wearing it as well. I just did what I was told. But with those who did or are currently struggling, they are building an understanding and connection with their hijab. It means something to them at a level that I do not have. And I feel like Allah has designed it to be that way as well. 

"We have certainly created man into hardship" 90: 4 

"Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and love those who purify themselves" 2: 222

"Indeed, with hardship comes ease. So when you have finished (your duties), then stand up (for worship). And to your Lord direct your longing." 94: 6-8

I'm not sure if I said this in a previous post or if I just talked about it somewhere else but the realization that only Allah is perfect and humans are not really rocked my world. Now it makes sense why Allah is so merciful because, by default, we aren't perfect, we will struggle, we will sin, but if we ask for mercy, InshaAllah, it will be accepted. And again that struggle builds connection because you are constantly going back to Allah, asking for His favor, being reminded of Him. And so it makes sense that whether you avoid a sin or do it them repent, neither are recorded because that turning back to Allah is so important. Of course I'm not making excuses to sin and be disobedient in His commands, but it's that struggle, resistance, and repentance that builds such a deep connection.

I was especially thinking about this because I have a trip coming up InshaAllah with a Muslim travel group and we are to do some reflections on Islam and our relationship with it etc. and I keep thinking how I feel like I have nothing to reflect upon, what would I reflect upon. Why do others have this more raw relationship with Islam, what am I missing. I think I've been missing the texture of being human. I've tried to polish myself into perfection and palatability that I've lost all that texture I needed. Pure obedience can only take me so far, but Allah didn't design us to be like that, He doesn't expect us to be perfect. Yes I am thinking and writing about this but it is so hard to let go of. Growing up internalizing that I have to be perfect, to please others, to do exactly as I'm told in order to be a, 'easy' child, I've missed out on core development that would help me to not only connect to other people and the world, but also to Allah and His religion.

Anyways, I've been holding on to another post about isolation but as time goes by its fading, so may or may not see the light of day.

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'Random' memory: My class in like 2nd grade or something was being really bad, everyone's clip was in yellow or red except mine. The teacher made a whole big speech about the classes behavior but at the end called me out to exclude me from them saying I was the only good kid. It was embarrassing to be called out and I wished I had done something bad just to join the others.

(I originally wrote this at like 8am when I was supposed to be sleep lol)