Privilege

Hi, I've been thinking a lot about my privilege and how truly grateful I am. I am now in a point in my life to where I'm not struggling or fighting. I can truly rest without worrying about something happening in my life. Last year was rough and the years before weren't too much easier. I often compared myself to a shark, in that I felt like I had to keep on swimming or else I would drown. It took me a while to realize that I can stop swimming, nothing's chasing me and I can breathe. That doesn't mean that I came out unscathed but now there is no present danger. 

Being constantly swimming created a vibe of ungratefulness. "Why is this happening to me?" "Is Allah (SWT) hearing my prayers?" But now I have the time to reflect and think. So many of my prayers have been answered, even the ones I forgot I've prayed for, but I kept focusing on what I didn't have. When I first started therapy I was still in this scarcity mind-set. I thought I had to start from scratch now that I was "safe". But comparing myself to how I was before made me realize how much I've grown and how much I have inside me. And my complaints are complaints of the privileged. I'm complaining about there being too many people at the gym and that makes me nervous, I'm complaining about an assignment my therapist gave me, I'm complaining about having to warm up my car when I go to work. All of those are privileges that I have: Being able and able-bodied to go to the gym, having the privilege of going to therapy, not having to worry about buying food or paying rent. I just think about those people that have always had to be in survival mode and never got the privilege I have to heal and try to better myself. 

Also while I was swimming, I only had the energy to think about myself. To be honest I was selfish because I had to be. I didn't have to heart to truly indulge in world affairs and politics. Now I find myself worried about those things because now that my cup is full I can help fill others. This reminds me of someone that I was talking to a couple years ago. He was super into politics and things of that nature but at the time I didn't care, I was going though a tough time so what mattered to me was getting through it. He came from a family that had money and whose parents are together so he didn't go through the things I have. Now that I am comfortable I can see his perspective more clearly and I regret my frustration at that time where I couldn't, but I get it now.

But a downside to this is that I feel like my connection to Allah has weakened. While swimming I was praying hard everyday to get out of that situation and for help and I could feel the dependency that we have for Him. At the time I thought about death so much more often that I would be praying for a good afterlife as well as blessings in this life. But now it feels like I've lost that connection. Since I've realized that I might not die at a young age and that I have to actually think about my future, death and the afterlife was put on the back-burner and it hasn't reached the forefront yet. I just don't know how to remember all that when I'm so comfortable; heaven is right here, why should I worry about the next life? Now that I've realized the absolute privilege I have and how disconnected I feel from my Lord, I'm trying to make a conscious effort to reset my intentions. It's hard but InshaAllah I will get there. It's hard realizing how much connection I've lost to the one I depend on. It's like a child not realizing how much a parent has done for them and now that they are independent they completely forget about it. I don't want to be like that.


So yeah, that's just what's been on my mind. I'm journaling and writing "chapters" for therapy so blogging is kinda obsolete. Like this could be a chapter for therapy so don't wait up for many blogs in the future. There's so many words and feelings while swimming and being safe is so quiet. Like during the noise there was so much for my family to talk about and I feel like the same quietness I have with Allah extends to them too. I wish I could have connection without struggle, I miss them (and Him) so much.

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Random memory: My siblings and I doing the "bacon dance" whenever our mom made bacon. It consisted of us rolling ourselves in blankets and flopping around on the floor. We were just kids being kids.

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