Isolation

Yall... we made it out the brain bank with this one. I got re-inspired to write this so here it is :)

So I've always known that I've lived a lonely existence, I've never had many friends and even when I do I've felt like they haven't been very deep or lasting connections. I thought of writing this post because with the travel group, we had like an introductory video call where we got to know each other. We were asking questions to one another and one of the owners of the group asked "How is the Muslim community there?" and I actually had no answer. I wouldn't have an answer for any place that I've lived. I've never really had a connection to any Muslim community I've been around.  That got me thinking about how much of my life has been in isolation, away from a real community of people. 

Growing up we didn't go to the mosque too frequently nor consistently—understandably so because growing up with a single mother n stuff. And with my father I can only recall going once or twice but I'm not sure if one of them was a dream or not... Anyways yeah, we didn't go that much but my parents probably didn't have that habit in the first place because they also didn't grow up participating in a Muslim community all that much. I was thinking about how each of my parents grew up and neither of them are very social people. 

My mom always says that I should be a social person because I'm a gemini but I've always rejected that label. Couldn't she see how un-social I am, especially compared to my brothers? I've always been the quiet one, just in the background observing. Whenever I would feel down I would (and still do) isolate myself, never reaching out. But over time, and especially when I lived with my uncle, I realized that I'm a real yapper and I want friends. I really learned about myself while I was in this new environment because I was away from the people I've always known (immediate family) and I got to know myself without the context of being around them. That's how I met my best friend and we still keep in touch. That made me realize how much my previous environment made me feel like I couldn't express myself, somehow it was stifling my growth and I am still so grateful that I got that opportunity to learn myself. 

So since then I've been trying to be more social but it felt like I didn't know how. I used to go to halaqas and I would meet someone but the connection didn't stick. I've taken a bit of a break from putting myself out there. I think it's because by living with my brother and his wife, my need for social interactions was filled, but now I need something else. Though I don't feel like a third wheel most of the time, I do know that the relationship between them two and me is different—they are a couple and I am family.  And idk why but I've been nervous to go out in this city, I still feel new even though I've been here for over a year. I've searched for clubs and groups to join but I haven't felt the vibe for any of them. I did join a Discord group for black women crochet-ers and they plan meet-ups to work on our projects and connect. 

So, on Saturday (I almost said yesterday but it's darn near fajr now) I "forced" myself to go to a meet-up. I was so nervous and worried, my anxious thoughts almost won but the notion that I'll never know if I don't find out was even stronger. So I did some duas and I went and Alhumdulillah it went so well. I felt so comfortable. I was worried that I was just gonna sit there and say nothing but I was actually interacting. There was only 2 other ppl so it was easier to talk. There were times where I felt like I was talking or laughing too loud, but maybe it was just the first time I felt my voice was heard. 

At one point a black lady (everyone else around us was white) came up to us for directions and I just felt so full of community and love. She felt comfortable with us enough to ask us for help over anybody else. But that did make me think about how that doesn't usually happen to me. The only other time non-Muslim black people approach me are uncs that were around the Malcolm X era and I guess I trigger their nostalgia. I already knew/noticed this but I do feel a disconnect with the black community. I grew up in majority white spaces and my family didn't really have that "black culture" vibe in it probably because we're Muslim. Sometimes it feels like when mixed people say "I'm too ____ to be ____ but too ____ to be _____" but for me it's Muslim and Black so it's a little isolating on both sides. [ Little side tangent: man it wasn't until this year that I realized how Muslim Africa is. Of course I knew that North Africa, like Morocco and Egypt were Muslim majority, but you can go to Nigeria, Senegal, Kenya, Sudan and so many more and find a large Muslim population. So it really confuses me when people (including other raced Muslims) are surprised to see a Black American Muslim. Especially because so many enslaved people came and brought Islam with them during the slave trade. Black people been Muslim and I feel like it's been covered up.]

But anyways, I really do hope to build and grow in the crochet community, maybe even try to get into the Muslim community here. Looking back, I've always wanted to be around people. When I was a child, I would daydream of all my female cousins coming together to go shopping or something and I always looked forward to the family get togethers. That craving for community has always been inside me but it hasn't always been clear.

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Bruh, this post almost didn't happen because I started it and started to hate it and took like a 12+ hr break. I accidentally let it slip to my brother that I have a blog so now I'm a little paranoid that he or someone might find it. Also since reading "The Message" and falling in love with how he wrote and journalism in general, I feel the need to write beautifully. But I have to remind myself the purpose of this is just to yap, yapping isn't beautiful or profound all the time. This is just for me and I shouldn't care if it's not publish worthy. 

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Random memory: I once dreamed that me and someone (I knew irl) were souls of colorful light and it was like we fit together like puzzle pieces and I felt so much peace and comfort. I always wondered if they had that dream and we were actually meeting in the spirit realm. If we ever meet again I'm definitely asking them even tho I might sound absolutely crazy.