Loved // Knots

It doesn't feel like it's been this long bc I wrote a blog post but it felt way too messy to post and I can't post it now bc I've gone past that lesson and I don't feel the same anymore. So on to a new topic.

Sooo, lately I have been feeling so much love in my heart. The type of love I don't think I've felt before. It's just so full and satisfying. We (brother, his wife, and I) took a roadtrip to visit my Great Grandmother for my birthday. It was going to be a solo trip but I was able to convince them to go and we met up with my mom as well. I felt guilty at first bc of conflicting plans etc. but Alhumduliillah we all went. It was so nice to catch up with G.Gma bc I love talking with her and for my birthday my mom painted a portrait of me and it contains elements of little things I've told her I liked/was thinking about. It made me cry just how seen I felt. It was a short 2 night stay so we could only do a couple activities and time was tight but I really wanted to go to an art museum and my mom was even more determined than me to make it come true. And my brother wasn't sure if he wanted to even make the roadtrip with me but he did and even drove the whole way back. Idk why but this combo of things coming together made me feel so loved. The sacrifices and effort that they put into my birthday touched something in my heart and I've felt so full ever since. This was another brick in my fortitude. 

I feel like this connects to how I've been making dua for marriage. I feel like whenever I feel extra lonely and unloved this dua gets more intense, but ever since that trip my desire for marriage has diminished, I just feel so full with the people I have in my life so I'm in no rush. And this is different than the times where I wasn't in a rush to get married out of fear and insecurity, now I get the feeling of fullness so I am satisfied with where I am.


Oooooh double post. 


Another thing I've been thinking about is how far I've come. I like to visualize my unhealthy thinking patterns and trauma (generational and personal) as a big knot, all tangled and nasty, so when I obtain a way to become healthier mentally I like to think of it as me untying a knot. Even just a couple months ago the metaphorical knot was huge and intimidating, but now it seems so small and manageable. I guess this ties (no pun intended) into the feeling of fortitude because I've been thinking about my relationship with death whilst this knot has been diminishing. While I was swimming death felt like a release, something that was close and something that would save me. Then I realized that I'm still here for some reason and maybe death was a little distance away. While untying my knot, death, or the desire for it felt thousands of miles away and I've realized why Allah hasn't had us meet yet and I'm grateful for it. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to feel so loved. 

And now I'm at a point where I feel so fortified that I understand how someone could be so brave to be martyred. Like before I longed for death while I feared it, but now I'm so happy that I wouldn't mind being put on the front lines for something I believe in. Seeing all these people at the ICE protests and reading about the civil rights movement gave me the perspective that some things are worth risking your life and safety for. Kinda off topic but this situation made me think about this experiment where they observed that children with more stable upbringings were more brave to explore and take risks while those with unstable upbringings were more reserved and scared. These bricks of fortitude have really taken me from the latter to the former and I'm so glad and grateful to see this change in myself. This has been the happiest I've been in my life and I feel like this is how I'm supposed to be. It's hard to explain but it feels like this is how child me was supposed to grow up and how she's supposed to feel. I made a note December 20th, 2024 (when I wasnt doing so well) that says, "I was made from love and light but this world makes it so hard to see" and I think I finally see the love and light she was talking about.

But yeah, call me Gorillaz the way I Feel Good™. I'm just so grateful lately and I'm glad I didn't do it™.

Just keep swimming ig

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Random Memory: I was probably like 6 or something at the beach and my mom showed me a game where I hop over the incoming waves. Whenever I go to the beach and do that I think of that moment.

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