Puddle

Since my last post my anxiety has gone down Alhumdulillah, and this week has actually been great in terms of me socializing. What I've noticed I've been doing is that whenever I talk to someone, I'm waiting on the convo to be over even if I'm enjoying it. Idk what's wrong with me lol. So anyways, I've been trying to keep that in mind and so far it's been working out. I had a phone screening for a job today and beforehand I also tried to remember to take my time and not try to rush. I feel like I absolutely killed it, well maybe not absolutely but I did well. When it came to me asking the questions I had, he was the one taking his time talking lol, but he did give me a lot of information of the work environment etc. This may stem from not wanting to take up people's time/space and I'm working to get over that. I had to remind myself that this phone screening had ample allotted time and I could be as long-winded as I want and talk as slow as I want whi...

I just now realized that I've been extra anxious and nervous this week because I haven't been sleeping as much. Usually im the master at sleep* but I haven't went to sleep before midnight in 2 weeks and I've been staying up after suhoor for school. Crazy that it took all week and a lot of nervous sweats to figure that out. Today was probably my most nervous day and I got so mad at myself for reverting back to my old anxious self. I can now forgive myself because I just simply wasn't taking care of my body. I need a nap. *my father literally clowned me by saying "I'm gonna pull a 'you' tonight" meaning that he's gonna gts early _____________________________________________________________________________________ Memory: My mom and I stopped at Wendy's to get milkshakes and fries. I dipped my fries into the milkshake and my she was like "??? you're one of those people that dip their fries into milkshakes???" Apparently she n...

At the beginning of 2021 I wrote in my notes app how I wanted to "go back to the basics". What that meant was that after a long time of not doing what I truly enjoyed, I was going to go back to it. When I was in middle and the first half of high school I would do all sorts of crafts, read books, try to become better in my deen etc. etc., but for a long time I stopped. So in 2021 I was tired of being separated from those things and I wanted to go back to who I was.  So that day I started a list of books that I've completed that I keep going to this day. I just wanted to write about some books that I've really enjoyed. I think I'll just go in the order that I've read them. This includes audio books btw. "Love from A to Z"- this was such a cute Muslim romance book. I was so grateful that I restarted my reading journey with such a wonderful book. I remember highlighting so many parts that I found funny, relatable, or interesting. I've been kinda want...

My sister sent me a very thoughtful early Eid gift today and that got me thinking again about our relationship. I've always had this guilt that I'm not a good enough sister to her, and I'm not just being insecure, it's true, I could be so much better. It's like when people say that an absent father is better than an abusive one. Yes, but an absent figure is still hurtful. When I was little, I've always wanted a big sister. Growing up between two brothers got kinda lonely being the only girl and I wanted someone other than my mom to really talk to and get guidance. Realizing that I am going to have to be that figure for someone got my head spinning. "I don't know how to be an older sister" I thought. "I'm the one that needs one!". But eventually I realized that I have to be the sister that I've always wanted/needed and that isn't always easy. My sister and I are 6 years apart and we share the same father. I remember when we fir...

My horrible choice to stay up way too late is catching up to me. Little sleep plus fasting is not doing me any favors, i just wanna lay down. My exam is in abt an hr and a half and im not feeling good abt it. I tried studying last night and this morning but all the information i dont know makes my stomach hurt.  But anyways, since i posted my first post ive just been bubbling with ideas abt what to write next. I spend so much of my time ruminating that i have too much to say, too much ive analyzed abt myself, life, etc. I think posting on this blog will allow my thoughts to be freed from my noggin so i dont have to think abt them anymore, done and over with.  What inspired me to start this blog was stalking my family members' blogs. I saw a new side of them that i never knew existed. Its hard to think of someone as a fully fleshed out human when youve only interacted with them on a friendly level. I learned that at my age they had so many of the same thoughts that ive had. I r...

  It's late and I should definitely be sleeping as i have and exam tomorrow but i feel like i should start a blog. Idk y im nervous lol. but anyways i just wanna yap. im in a point in my life where change is inevitable. graduation is coming up so the 'safety' of school will be stripped away and i'll have to enter the 'real world'. i've never been a future thinker/planner so having to choose real things abt how my life will go instead of going with the flow is so different. growing up Muslim we always have to 'remember death' and remind ourselves that life is temporary but i may have taken it too far. i've never really lived in my body and slowly im trying to learn how.  i have to remind myself that im solid, naturally i think of myself as a ghost, not really in my environment. i look in the mirror too long and i have to look away because i get scared. trying to convince myself that im real is hard but ive learned that i kinda like it when the fea...