i should write...

 It's late and I should definitely be sleeping as i have and exam tomorrow but i feel like i should start a blog. Idk y im nervous lol. but anyways i just wanna yap.

im in a point in my life where change is inevitable. graduation is coming up so the 'safety' of school will be stripped away and i'll have to enter the 'real world'. i've never been a future thinker/planner so having to choose real things abt how my life will go instead of going with the flow is so different. growing up Muslim we always have to 'remember death' and remind ourselves that life is temporary but i may have taken it too far. i've never really lived in my body and slowly im trying to learn how. 

i have to remind myself that im solid, naturally i think of myself as a ghost, not really in my environment. i look in the mirror too long and i have to look away because i get scared. trying to convince myself that im real is hard but ive learned that i kinda like it when the fear is at bay.

i would usually journal abt this but i think a blog will help me be integrated into the environment. i never post on social media and i have a 'fear' of cameras. i know in ancient times one wouldnt have to go on the internet to be 'integrated' but i guess i have to keep up with the times. but anyways i think this would be a good way for me to put my foot out there. though i hope noone ever reads this, there's a part of me that hopes someone does.

this blog will either continue or not, who knows. but i do know that tonight i did something good for myself.


ps. i dont intend all my posts to be so intimate, i just wanna yap abt whatever i wanna yap abt 

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