Sisters

My sister sent me a very thoughtful early Eid gift today and that got me thinking again about our relationship. I've always had this guilt that I'm not a good enough sister to her, and I'm not just being insecure, it's true, I could be so much better. It's like when people say that an absent father is better than an abusive one. Yes, but an absent figure is still hurtful.

When I was little, I've always wanted a big sister. Growing up between two brothers got kinda lonely being the only girl and I wanted someone other than my mom to really talk to and get guidance. Realizing that I am going to have to be that figure for someone got my head spinning. "I don't know how to be an older sister" I thought. "I'm the one that needs one!". But eventually I realized that I have to be the sister that I've always wanted/needed and that isn't always easy.

My sister and I are 6 years apart and we share the same father. I remember when we first met (at least I think that was the first time). My younger brother, her and I were in the back of a vehicle sharing a bag of candy and we were just cracking up. She was only 2 but she was hilarious and still is. Before this time my brothers and I lived with our mother and I only have a few blurry memories with my father. But now we were going to live with him full-time with my step mom and sister. Being an older sister was easy as a kid; we just played together and all was fun, but I didn't like living with this side of my family. Unfortunately, whenever my brothers and I "escaped" and went back with our mom, my sister was left behind. 

As I grew older and we started to live with and visit my father less and less, my connection to her also decreased and my guilt started it grow. She was the best part about living with him but since contact with him became sparse, she suffered that as well. I didn't think much of it but my father had told me that she looked up to my brothers and I and wanted to be like us. This is where my guilt grew because now my responsibility was made apparent to me. I tried to push this guilt down to where I couldn't feel it but whenever I thought of her I could feel how I failed as an older sister. 

Before my eyes, she was now a tween/teen. I know from experience that this can be a trying time for everyone and the need for an older sister was dire. However, with our limited contact and her now being a more abstract person, I felt awkward and out of place. I was scared that if I tried to be more involved it would be too little too late, so I didn't try. 

This went on until fairly recently. After a long silence my father contacted me. It was hard to get in touch with him, my step mother, or my sister because they had changed numbers and I didn't have their new ones. So last summer my father and I talked. We started to make dua together every week so the connection was the most consistent it has ever been. With that, the contact with my sister got stronger as well. As we talked more and more I realized that my fears were all in my head, she actually enjoyed my presence and I wasn't out of line giving her advice etc. This past winter I went to visit them and I wanted to make sure I was the best sister I could be. Alhumdulillah this visit was the closest I've ever felt to her. We bonded on so many things and I finally felt like I was the sister that she needed and wanted. 

I still can do so much better being a sister but I am so grateful that is connection is more solid than it has ever been. I can't fumble this now or ever again.

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Okay, Ive lost enough water by crying and sweating so here is a memory: My brother and I went off-roading at a national park last year and I think about that trip so much. It wasnt the trails that I think about but the trip there and back. It was so hot that day but so beautiful and we talked the whole hr and a half there and back. Going through the small towns and farmland was so wonderful. After the trails, we went to a waterfall and the water was the most refreshing thing I've ever touched and drank. The sun was going down as we went back home and stopped to get slushies. Something about that day was just so perfect that I hope I hold on to this memory forever.

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