Soft

Almost 2 months ago I decided to make the conscious decision to be more soft. This idea got sparked in my mind for 2 reasons. 1) Idk if I mentioned this before but I've become tired of constantly being in survival mode. Always anxious and afraid. And 2) After seeing how open and soft my sister-in-law is, it made me realize how much I've hardened over the years. I had to go back in my mind and remember that at my core I am a lover. I have labeled myself as a hater over the past couple years and I started to believe it; it became my identity. Growing up I would freely cry over things that made me upset or even because someone else was upset but I've realized how hard it is for me to cry without wondering what someone would think or getting on myself for crying. So basically I'm just trying to get back to who I was (am?) before I became so hardened by the world.

It was easy at first. I realized that if I were being mean to my brother for example, it was just a defense mechanism and it didn't truly convey how I felt. So letting go of my knee-jerk reaction to be mean was easy because I never really meant it if I was being that way and I regret all the times I might have been nasty to him. [I've apologized don't worry]. 

But it got a little hard when I saw how many aspects of my life were affected by this hardening. There was one time where I was waiting in the car without a phone or anything to distract me and so I was left to my thoughts. Those thoughts unfortunately lead me to the realization that this is literally a generational battle I'm fighting and so it feels like a burden too large to bear. But I didn't even know that the real test had yet to come my way.

So I guess someone snitched. Someone snitched and told Allah that I was trying to be more open and soft and so He gave me my ultimate challenge, the bane of my existence (jk). So around a month ago I was at the grocery store and a man approached me with the intentions of getting to know me better and of course I wanted to say absolutely not but I literally felt my two options so heavily. I could either say no and carry on the way I am, or I could see where this goes and grow as a person. I guess I was high on self-improvement so I gave him my email and we started talking. I started a blog post a long time ago about my difficulties with the thought of marriage/romance n stuff that I never finished but in conclusion: I'm cooked, it's just so hard for me to be normal. So in talking to him of course it has been challenging me to be open and facing things about myself that I have been neglecting. So many times I've thought about quitting and thinking that maybe I'm not ready for this challenge yet but literally the one thing that's kept me going is that I don't want to fumble another opportunity. I've had chances in the past to face these shortcoming and I've shied away from them and regretted not growing. So basically even though it has been feeling like I'm in a SAW movie trying to fight myself, I'm going to try to face this challenge that Allah so obviously wanted me to go for.

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Random note: So I do plan on maybe finishing that blog but prolly not any time soon. Life has been pretty...man idek how to describe it but basically I need a bit more structure rn. Idek what im talking abt rn goodnight.

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