Lessons

I recently had the realization that I have been stuck in a cycle. I found myself in the same situation that I was in before and I was wondering why it's happening again. My conclusion was that I didn't fully learn my lesson the first time. 

So, 3 weeks ago I started a new job in a new city, but instead of fully moving I have been staying at my brother's place with his wife as-well. Before I even started staying here, I of course had the worries that they won't actually want me here and that I'm taking up too much space; disturbing their peace. There is a parallel in this situation with one I have experienced before. I went to live with my uncle for work and I had the insecurity that my presence wasn't liked. It's like no matter how nice and welcoming someone is, I still have the worry that I am out of place. Recently I recognized that that says everything about me than it does for them. It is so unfair of me to assume that these kind and wonderful people have a hidden hatred for me. I had to reflect and think that if the roles were reversed, I would absolutely love for them to live with me and I would be heartbroken if they were feeling the ways that I was. 

It's crazy how anxiety truly blinds you to things. I already knew that I was invited and this would not happen if they didn't want me here, but I my vision was still obscured. With anxieties and insecurities, the mind reads into things way too much and tells you things that aren't there. It is so freeing releasing yourself from these thoughts.

The first week I was here I was struggling with these thoughts as well as struggles with my ego. There is like a family joke that I'm the youngest even though I'm the middle child. This doesn't usually get to me but it is hard being perceived as younger or less mature as you are. This insecurity got put to the forefront because I am now living with my younger brother. He was able to get married, a full-time lob, and an apartment before me. They were right when they said that comparison is the thief of joy. But what I had to remind myself was that Allah (swt) gives people different timelines and paths. He (swt) also gives each person struggles specifically for them. I know that I would not be able to endure the things that my brother had gone through and so that just means that his life is for him and mine is for mine. 

I really hope that this is the lesson that I need because I really want to do the hosting instead of being the one hosted. I want so badly to make other people feel how I feel when I visit them. I have a dream of being the best host EVER; with snacks/food, games, good smells, atmosphere, ALL OF IT. But until then I'll try to be a good hostee.


Anyways it's been a while. I keep getting ideas for posts then waiting too long and not doing it, Imma try not to do that tho but I know how I am.

that "stay wet" or whatever idea was wack idk what I was on
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Random vibe: when I had an allergic reaction for the first time and took benadryl also for the first time. i felt like i was floating but i enjoy being grounded so 6/10 kinda scary

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