Joever

Weekend so crazy I took a 3+ hr nap today. So friday we had a ceremony for my class and both my parents were able to travel their long distances to attend, Alhumdulillah. It's crazy finally being out of school but "real life" is feeling a lot less daunting than I felt just a month and a half ago. Since then I've applied to jobs, did an interview, even made a doctor's appointment for myself so now I know that I could just do it and it isn't that bad. However I feel like I've been a little disconnected to myself. 

For the past couple weeks, it's just been feeling like I'm trying to get through it rather than enjoy my "firsts". For example (tmi) the other week I went to the gynecologist for the first time and I thought it would be more emotional than it was. I thought I would be scared but it felt as though I was doing homework or something; just get it done and move on. 

I'm hoping once I get to relax a bit I can regulate normally because I miss feeling normal. This weekend my car was having some problems but for some reason I just couldn't feel anything. And this morning my car key broke and there was a definite possibility that I wouldn't make it home but for some reason I didn't feel upset or stressed. I'm tired of being in this survival "just get through it" mode, especially because I'm going through a life change, I want to really experience it. I knew my nervous system was dysregulated but it didn't really hit me until yesterday how detached emotionally I am.  

My aunt (who was in the same field I'm going into) got me a card saying she was proud of me and some pens that said "A good tech can always use some good pens!". And idk why but the pen note really got an emotional response from me. I realized that I actually did it, I graduated and I'm done! Even my father was saying how proud of me he is but still that didn't register with me. And it started to make me wonder why I don't feel proud of myself. I feel like I've been belittling my achievement. During one of my clinical rotations, I was talking the the techs and they had PhDs and Doctorates and it made my little associates degree feel so small, but I need to learn to be happy with even the little things. It also made me realize that I'm not that into being an academic so comparing myself to someone that is doesn't make sense. I don't want to get a PhD or anything so I should feel good about what I have. But yeah, anyways, I hope I get to be in the moment as I have a month off before I start working InshaAllah. Still not sure what I wanna do with my time but I hope I'm not in my room too much. I do wanna go outside more though, maybe I could do something with that. 


I didn't really plan this blog out and it isn't that good but this is more of a journal than a blog so idc.

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Random Memory: (i dont have a memory this time) 


Imma start signing off with "Stay Wet" or "Make A Splash" or sumn puddle related. Oh yeah, a memory I have is that a long time ago my brother and I thought of a Water Store where we would only sell water and the building would be made of glass. I don't remember what prompted this idea but I still think it's funny. I just remember that we thought of it during a roadtrip one night.

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