Chew much

 Heyy. Been a while. Last monday I started a post but it was so messy that I didn't want to go back to it so I deleted it. Maybe I'll get the inspiration to write abt that topic again but right now.. not really. 

Anyways, Ramadhaan ended and Alhumdulillah I was able to complete the Quran. Last year was such a humbling experience that I was afraid going into Ramadhaan this year but it turned out better than I expected. Last year I had too many expectations that I couldn't keep up with, especially with my school workload so it all came crumbling down. So this year I decided not to go into it with basically any goals and surprisingly that seemed to work. Even last year's Eid was a flop with no real plans and trying to do sumn fun but it flopping. This year I spent Eid alone. I went to school, went home and got dressed, then went out to get some food and a fancy drink. Of course it was a bit lonely but 1-I'm kinda used to being alone and 2- without the pressure of trying to plan things with other people and pushing to try to make Eid fun, it was a lot more freeing and I actually enjoyed myself.  

I guess this leads into the post I was working on: me trying to do too much. Over the past 5 months or so I have been learning that I need to stop doing too much. Last Ramadhaan I expected too much of myself and got overwhelmed and was forced to forfeit all of my plans due to the mental stress. And last Eid I was trying too hard for it to be a good day because of how horrible my month was. I was trying to push and push for a good day but I never found it. And over the past few months my "too much" gene (as my mom and I call it) finally started to really hurt me. I noticed that I was trying too hard in some of my relationships to keep it together even though I was met with no reciprocity. They weren't trying as hard to keep in contact as I was and I finally broke and decided to take a break from putting my energy into something that wasn't worth it. It had both good and bad results. A good thing was that I focused my time and energy where they deserved more, but the bad thing was that I felt so alone and it confirmed that if I didn't reach out, there would be virtually no communication. I've come more to terms with it but boy, it hurted at first. 

I'm learning that I don't always have to have elaborate plans/expectations but it is a struggle with myself. I want everything to be perfect and how I envision it but that's not always the reality. A past coworker said it best, "I have to just accept it and move on". 

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about recently is how I don't enjoy the things I used to anymore. Not in a depressed way, but in more of a bittersweet way. I was looking through a box of tickets I've kept from concerts, plays, etc. and I noticed how I don't crave it as I used to. I think this is due to me both growing up and growing in my deen. I've noticed how boring I am for not wanting go to concerts and stuff but I'm okay with it because it isn't in my heart anymore. It's bittersweet because I remember how much joy it brought me so I miss it in a way, but at the same time I feel like it has nothing to do with my life now; I can't and don't want to go back to it. It's crazy having absolutely no desire for things that used to be your whole life at one point. 

Anyways, just wanted to yap a lil and procrastinate going grocery shopping. I've been kinda busy lately but I don't plan on stopping posting. I've got another blog idea but I'll see how it goes, I'm a lil nervous to talk abt it. 

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Random Memory: When my mom would drive my siblings and I back and forth from our dad's, whenever we would drive at night I would always see the same cluster of 3 stars that I assigned to my brothers and I. So whenever I see them now, I think of that time and the three of us.


(i don't really like this post but i'll publish it anyway)

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